From time to time I'm going to journey back to a simpler era long gone, when all I really had to worry about was where my next beer was coming from & who I was going to hook up with that night. Of course I'm talking about Ocean City!!! This little ten & a half mile peninsula off of the coast of Maryland had a profound effect on yours truly & my short 4 summers there is one of the main reasons that I ended up in San Diego.
To say that I met some, let's just call them 'Interesting' Individuals' during my tenure there is an understatement and a half which is why I'm using this entry to discuss Mr. Dan The Glue-Sniffer. This kid was a piece of work. He came from a well-to-do middle class family in the midwest & clearly did too many drugs in his teens. According to some, it takes just 9 hits of acid to be clinically insane. Dan once boasted that he did 12 hits of acid on his last day off from work. You know that guy that you see across a crowded room that just looks 'off' like he's a few tacos short of a platter, that's Dan. He was tall & lanky & just looked perpetually stoned. Kind of like Forrest Gump on LSD(The crazy thing was that apparently he was diagnosed with ADD @ a very young age & had been on Ritalin since he was a child. Go figure!). Now I'm not sure if Dan had in fact ever sniffed glue, but he had the nickname long before I met him & he talked with a slow, articulate drawl, 'Kiiiind offff liiike thiiiiiiiiiis.' The mother-fucker even had his own catch-phrase that he'd constantly interject into sentences so that when he became 'rich & famous' he could 'Patent that shit & make bank!' The catch-phrase was, 'TA-DOW!' That's right. Now just let that roll off of your tongue, 'TAAAA-DOOOOW!' Dan The Glue-Sniffer had his own crew he hung with that consisted of twins, Let's just call then Dee & Dick(I don't want to use their real names because I'm pretty sure @ least one of them is spending quality time in a penitentary somewhere in Southern Florida!). I'm pretty sure that Dee & Dick shared just one brain in-between the two of them. They were scrawny little tow-headed surf rats that finished each other's sentences & mainly just cared about taking as many drugs as they could get their grubby little hands on, surfing & dogging chicks(Not always in this particular order!). The three of them were collectively known around town as the, 'Surfing Retard Triplets.' Funnily enough they were all on the Beach Patrol with me & they always hung out at the bar that I was a doorman at which is how we started haning out. It was fun to wind them up & just let them scamper about bars & cause trouble. Kind of like drinks & a show! One night out I came across Dan The Glue-Sniffer hiding out in a darkened corner of the bar with the twins. The twins had a black marker & were doing what looked like some kind of touch-up work on Dan's face.
'Glue-Sniffer what are you fuck-tards doing hiding back here away from all of the women???'
'Weeeell Biiiff, I kinda got myyyseeelf a bit of a prooooblem.''
Dan turned around to face me.
'Holy shit Glue-Sniffer! Where the fuck is your left eyebrow???
Dan The Glue-Sniffer's left eyebrow had been completely shaved off & the twins were using the black magic marker to draw the worst fake eyebrow ever on Dan's face.
'It looks natural right Biff?' asked Dee.
'We spent a whole 15 minutes on it. He'll still be able to get laid right Biff?' exclaimed Dick.
'If she's good & drunk or possibly on some sort of medication, then you're golden Glue-Sniffer!' I said trying to help raise the poor bastard's spirits.
'Dan, who the fuck did this to you?' I asked.
'Iiit was my fuuuucking rooommate Andy.'
Dan The Glue-Sniffer's roommate Andy was a douche-bag. In fact if you were to go & look up douche-bag in the dictionary, there's probably a picture of this smug fucker off to the right of the definition. Andy wasn't on the Beach Patrol. Andy was am SBF(Surf Beach Facilitator). This job was for hot girls & guys that couldn't pass the Beach Patrol Tryouts(I think that you can guess which category Andy falls into!). This job requires a bit of explaination. Ocean City has a rotating block of beach reserved each day so that people have a place to surf while the lifeguards are on duty. The problem is that a block of beach can be hard to monitor & you constantly have surfers surfing outside the boundaries. The SBF then has to blow their whistle & use flages to get that surfer back inside the reserved block. The reason that you hire hot girls for this job is so that the surfers will hopefully listen to the hot SBF girl. The guy SBF's were usually mocked & disrespected incessantly. In most walk of life, if a person is fucked with, said 'fuckee' will look for someone else to fuck with in order to continue the vicious cycle(Think of it as passive-agressive Darwinism for twenty-somethings!). Well Andy used to like coming home & fucking with Dan The Glue-Sniffer.
'Laaast night I come hoooome & passsed out druuuunk. I woke uuuup in the moooorning with one less eyebrow & Aaaandy wuz braaaging 'bout it to all of his asshooole SBF frieeends.' 'I waant to get baaack @ him, but I doooon't know whuuut to doooooo?'
'Well Glue-Sniffer I'm advising that you don't get into a fight with him. He's way bigger than you & most definitely would kick your ass. I tell you what, I accept your request for retaliation help.'
'Buuut I didn't aaask for yore heeeelp Biff.'
'That's clearly inconsequential. Nobody except for the beach Patrol gets to fuck with you & the twins. I demand justice! Go get some shots & hit on some girls while I flex my creative muscles!'
'TAAA-DOOOW! It's on then!'
I sent Dan The Glue-Sniffer & the twins off on their merry drunken, mind-altered way while I pondered how we could possibly get back at Andy without any sort of physical altercation. This prank was going to have involve subletly & finesse. As the bar was closing, I caught up with Glue-Sniffer stumbling out with a cute, inebriated blonde. Unreal. He speaks like he's brain-damaged & @ this point of the evening, his faux eye-brow had smeared up the side of his forhead(Making him look like a retarded Picasson painting come to life!)from sweat & he still hooks up! Glue-Sniffer had some game or that girl was so drunk that she couldn't see.
'Yo Glue-Sniffer! Do you have off tomorrow?'
'Yesum!'
'Cool! Come by my guard tower. I've got the perfect revenge strategy completely mapped out for you!'
'TAAAA-DOOOW Biffman!'
That morning a dieshevled Dan The Glue-Sniffer looking like death, hiding his one good eyebrow with dark sunglasses, comes stumbling out to my guard tower.
'TAAA-DOOOW Biiiifman!'
'Mahalo to you too fuckface! How was your blonde?'
'She waaas fuuun. But she was pissed that most of my fake eyebrow was on her faaaace when she woke up.'
'Classic! Anyhoo here's what you're going to do in order to get back @ that douche-bag Andy. You're going to drain out about 1/3 of his shampoo & conditioner bottles & then you're going to piss in the shampoo bottle & jerk off into the conditioner bottle!'
'Um, whuuut?'
'Think about it Glue-Sniffer! It's the ultimate undercover prank that pays the most dividends repeatedly!'
'Aww I don't know Biff...'
'I do know Dan! You're too small to beat him up & what's the one thing that Andy loves more than anything???'
'His hair!'
'Exactly!!! Now every time that he showers you will have the satifaction of knowing that your fucking DNA is mixed in with his precious mop-top!'
This point of the conversation involves some explaination. When living in Ocean City, you crammed yourself into 'lifeguard halfway-aninal houses.' The more people living in a house/apartment, the less rent you paid individually. People sometimes quite literally lived on top of each other. Personal toiletries were coveted & guarded. Fucking with someones shampoo was a big deal. Plus douche-bag Andy loved his hair & had a basket full of expensive tioletry goodies.
So again I sent Dan The Glue-Sniffer off on his mission. A week later @ my bar job, an excited Dan comes running up to me.
'Biff, Biff, I diiiid it! I diiiid it!'
'Glue-Sniffer that's great!'
Of course right behind Dan were the twins.
'Biff, Biff! Guess what?'
'I'm kind of afraid to ask, but what Dee & Dick???'
'We did it too?'
'You did what?'
'We pissed & jerked off into his shampoo & conditioner too!'
'Wow guys that's alot of piss & sperm.'
'I shoved his toothbrush up my ass too!' Exclaimed Dee.
'Oh God! Ok you little monsters need to stop! Promise me that you won't fuck with any more of Andy's toiletries. That's overkill you fucking amateurs! Too much will get you caught & get your ass kicked!' Comprendes?'
'Comprendo!'
'Ok, good. Now go do some whip-its or something so that you can kill those pesky last couple brain cells in that bong-watter ridden brain that you two share!'
Later on that night we ran into Andy.
I opened with, 'What's up Andy? Heeey, wow man your hair looks really shiny. What kind of shampoo do you use?'
'Oh Biff I order that shit special. Sorry but it's a trade secret!'
'Ok man. Are you gonna try out for the Beach Patrol again next year. I'm sure if you train really hard you'll make it!'
'Fuck off Biff!'
'Aaah, looks like my work here is done! Fuck you very much Andy!'
The best part of this conversation was Dan & the twins standing in the background fake-jerking off & fake-fellating each other & then acting like they were wiping their sperm on Andy's head. It was all that I could do to hold myself back from busting out laughing!
For the next 2 months, once a week, Dan would put his DNA into Andy's shampoo & conditioner & would then dance around like a child on Christmas morning unwarapping his presents when we'd see Andy out in a bar.
'Hee has mah peeee & speerrrrm in his haaaaair!'
'Yes he does Glue-Sniffer. Yes he does!'
I'm sorry to say that I lost track of Dan over the past couple of years. The last I heard from him, he was moving to Utah to try & become a professional snowboarder & in his words, 'Find the elusive Jack-Mormon girl that will let me stick it in her butt!' Godspeed Dan The Glue-Sniffer, wherever you are! Now go & take your medication!
