Confucius say, 'That man who fall asleep with hand in pants, wake up with sticky fingers!' But I digress, Holy fucking shit did I digess! Almost an entire month! But do not fret dear readers, I have a yarn for you that involves oral sex, bi-polar schizophrenia & poor spelling! Let's dig in shall we?
In 1987, a movie was released that scared the ever-loving-shit out of every red-blooded man in the United States. I'm talking about a little opus entitled, 'Fatal Attraction.' I was currently in Junior High & women were just starting to pay attention to my akward advances. One fatefule weekend, I decided to sneak into an R-rated movie to maybe catch a glance at some boobs & walked out with a morality lesson that involved broiling a fucking bunny-rabbit! It's a simple equation that rings just as true today as it did back in 1987, 'Psychos-Good sex, but hard to get rid of!'
Fresh with this new nugget of wisdom about crazy ladies, I went back to school on Monday determined to not find my own personal bunny-broiler. But you can't fight fate & sure enough, I met Mandy, the new goth-looking girl in 3rd period Social Studies. She was cute & most importantly, into me. Jet black hair with an attitude. She introduced me to bands like The Cure, Joy Dvision & Depeche Mode(I still listen to all 3 to this day & if you don't like Depeche Mode, you suck! I'm not sayin' I'm just sayin!'). It was a fun 2 weeks until one fateful evening she called me & said,
'Hey sweetie what'cha doing?'
'Not much. How's about you?'
'I'm just redecorating my room. Do you spell Biff with one F or two???'
'Um, two F's, Why?'
FFFSH! FFFSH! FFFSH!
'What's that noise?'
'Oh, I'm just spray-painting another F on my wall.'
'I think that we should see other people!'
CLICK!
I hung up the phone horrifed. My cute goth girlfriend went all 'Fatal Attraction' on my ass! What the fuck!
Thus began a series of dodging acts avoiding said 'bunny-broiler' during & sfter school. It was like I adapted my own personal 'psycho-spidey-sense.' Every time Mandy was near, the hair stood up on the back of my neck & I would get the hell out of dodge!
Flashforward to the winter of '96, I'm with some of my fraternity brothers downtown Pittsburgh in the now-defunct nightclub, Metropol(At least I think that it's defunct. Well shit on me & call me a sundae, I just Googled Metropol & it's still open!) & I'm making my way across a busy dance floor. Suddenly I get butterflies in my stomach. I can't quite place the feeling & then the hair on my neck starts to rise. I turn around slowly & there's Mandy, all stoic & brooding, glaring at me. I'm trapped. With nowhere to run or hide, I take a deep breath & mutter,
'Hello Mandy. How have you been?'
'Fucking fascist!'
'Really??? It's been, what almost 10 years? Can we be just a wee bit mature?'
'I gave you a blow-job & you blew me off!!!'
'Technically it was half a blow-job. Your brother knocked on your bedroom door & you stopped.'
'It still counts!!!'
'You spray-painted BIFF on your bedroom wall. I freaked out & literally thought that you might broil a bunny rabbit or something!'
'I HOPE THAT YOU GET DICK CANCER & DIIIIIEEEEE!'
'Wow, dick cancer. Is that a technical term?'
'HA, HA, HA , HAAAA Fascist!'
And with that, she threw a beer bottle at my head. I ducked away from the bottle & it smashed up against the wall behind us. Almost instantly a bouncer promptly picked her up & carried her out of the club kicking & screaming.
I stood there a moment with my jaw dropped, just dumfounded. She was indeed a 'Fatal Attraction bunny broiler' & I felt like I had dodged a fucking cannonball in junior high. Just then one of my fraternity brothers caught up to me.
'Dude I pulled my balls out on the dance floor & technically at least 20 chicks touched them!'
When I told him about my psychotic encounter, he exclaimed;
'You know what they say about those psychos-Good sex, hard to get rid of!'
Indeed!
