Devil may care.

In absentia. Wow the time flies. Just where the fuck have I been??? 'Where is my life? Where is my mind???(The Pixies-'Natch!).' I'll get to that tale when I get to it, if I decide to get to it. Truth be told, I just haven't been as motivated to write lately because, I've been....dare I say it...'happy.' Before I could wake up with furrowed brow, beat on my chest while shaking my fist to the heavens bellowing. 'FUCK YOUUUUUU!!!!' from deep within my solar plexus. But then as time passed on, my anger slowly subsided & a kinder, gentler Biff came to light much like the ebb & flow of a gentle summer breeze. I would look into the mirror & notice 2 small creases above my lips just underneath my cheekbones. Holy shit are those dimples!!??? No stop it! Must maintain stoic, brooding demeanor!!! Keep your edge!!! Maintain the ANGERRRRR!!! But try as I might, my 'dark muse' could not be found.


But then I had a very bad day. The type of day where you just wanted to scissor-kick an old lady in the back of the head(If there was anything that I learned from watching Benny Hill as a kid, it was that all hot women wore lingerie & abusing the elderly is funny!) & wish colon cancer on your neighbor. I stomped home all fire & brimstone leaving a trail of destruction in my wake that would have made the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse blush. Then I had what some alcoholics describe as, 'A moment of clarity.' Sweet Jesus, I'm angry again!!! That old black magic filling my veins with dark endorphons! Sinister synapses clicking away in my brain.


'Dayum this feels good!!! Bwah-Ha-Ha-Ha!!!!!!!! Daddy's home & now you're all in deep, deep trouble!'


The Anger. The Hate is back for me to mine yet again. I wrote a little song about it. It's all about the time that I had a horrible blind date that involves fecal-philia, made a waiter throw up in his mouth a little bit, & got out of paying the bill. Like ta hear it? Here we go!!!


A few months after the, 'psycho, red-headed hose-beast of the east who shall not be named' & I broke up, I slowly crawled out from under my proverbial rock, much like a new-born pup in the wild. Slowly poking my nose outside the door & dipping my toe back into the dating petry dish. Singular-Bificus(Yep that's a technical term fucker!) be thy name. Of course all of the women in my office fawned over my poor, damaged, fragile ego & would always promise to set me up with one of their sibgle friends, but most of my co-workers were in their 50's. That's not evern 'cougar' territory. What would you call that, a leopard??? I would always thank them for their sympathy & let them know that I still had my surfboard & my health, so I'd be a-ok!!! No reason the play matchmaker for this 'lone wolf.'


One day my dear friend Konnie tells me about her massage therapist friend who is in her mid-thirties, single & very cute. She didn't mention anthing about her 'personality' so I was relived to find out that she wasn't fat(Don't judge! I know that sounds mighty sexist & presumptuous, but I do have some morals. I refuse to date a woman that weighs more than I do. I'm getting older & I don't want to throw out my back!). Her name was Mandy. She was actually very hot & a massage therapist to boot. At the very least, myabe I'll get a free massage out of the deal right??? We'll Konnie gave me her number & after a few converations, she seemed cool enough, so we decided to plan a late afternoon 'hang-out' kind of date in Balboa Park & a dinner afterwards downtown. Simple. Easy. Fun. Easy(Well not if you've been reading this blog & the luck that I tend to have with women!).


We met in Balboa Park on a sunny Saturday afternoon(Well that's pretty much every Saturday in San Diego. It's perpetually 75 degrees out & sunny. It's so fucking comfortable all the time it's disgusting!). Mandy was looking very cute. Cut off shorts, bikini top & a big smile. She greeted me with a big bear hug & picked me up in the air & commenced to spin me around like a rag doll. This was shocking to me because she was about 5'2 & couldn't have weighed more than 15 lbs(Damn this chick is strong!). We were both 'transplants' to San Diego. She was originally from Seattle & I was from Pittsbugh. I was enjoying our cute, 'get to know you' chit chat when we came upon an old woman walking her small dog. The little fella was squatting for all he was worth dropping a doggie-deuce. For some reason this fascinated Mandy. The puppy pooing actually stopped her mid-sentence. She stopped, stared & I noticed that her nipples has just gotten hard. 'Holy shit this is turning her on!' I thought to myself. No that can't be. That's just fucking gross. I tried to ignore this major red flag because I was initially having a good time. But then we came across another dog doing his business in the park & this time she pointed it out & kneeled down next to the excrement & cooed,


'Aahhh! The cycle of life! From animal to Earth!'

I did a triple take trying to digest what she had just said(Ummm...What the fuck????).

Panicked thoughts started running through my head. No, no, no, no, no! Why can't I find normal women to date??? I surmised to myself (To recap a large portion of my social life; If daddy didn't give you enough attention as a child, we will probably date. If you have or are currently in the stripping profession, we will probbaly date. If you have some sort of strange fetish &/or might have a chemical imbalance much like bi-polar disorder, we will probably date. If you...Aw fuck it, you get where I'm coming from!).

This might not have been such a major issue, but the same shit-tacular scenario repeated itsef three more fucking times. We had to stop & stare at three more dogs leaving doggie-dumps in the park before we made it to the restaurant.

Strolling into this fine dining establishment I felt equal parts disgusted & turned on. Could her hotness cancel out the dog-shit fetish? What if she tossed around her own feces like a crazed monkey when we hooked up? I seriously thought that I could pull it off, I mean guys have been ignoring warning signs since like this since the beginning of time to have sex right???

We ordered a few rounds of drinks & then the conversation when from light to downright accusatory. I just couldn't get over the dog-shit thing & she kept talking about dogs!!! Dog this, dog that! I kept trying to change the subject until she slammed her drink down & started waxing philosphical about the movie, 'The Notebook.' She looked me in the eye & very matter-of-factly said,

'Would you build me a house?'
'No.'
'Why not???'
'Because I don't know how to build a house.'
'Well if you knew how to build a house, would you build a house for me?'
'No.'
'Well, Noah would!'
'Who the fuck is Noah???'
'You know Noah!'
'No, I don't know Noah. Is he a carpenter or something???'
'He's Ryan Gosling's character in the movie, The Notebook! He built Allie a house & waited for her! You're just like all of the other guys! I need a man like Noah. Why can't you be more like Noah???'
'Well for starters, you're describing a dude in a move that doean't exist in real life!!! He's a fucking work of fiction!!!'
'That's sooo typical! Look at you with your devil may care attitude! You're sooo fucking cavalier!'
'Well I know something that's atypical. You get turned on by watching dogs take shits!!!'
'I do not! I think that it's a natural miracle of life that's all!!!'
'No you are a fecal-philiac! I'll bet you're like Sylvester Stallone! That dude used to pay hookers to take shits on the top of glass coffee tables while he was underneath the table masturbating!'
'Wow is that true???'
'I'm not sure. I read it somewhere, but your right up there in that freak stratosphere lady!!!"

During this heated exchange, we failed to realize that that octave level of our voices kept getting higher & higher until the entire restaurant was staring at us. It's kind of like that scene you see in movies when something akward happens in a crowded location & the record scratch noise plays & everybody focuses on you. Yep, just like that.

Also, we failed to realize that our waiter had came back to our table right before the explosive argument. Right at that moment, he threw up a little but in his mouth & had to abruptly spit it out into a napkin.

'Both of you need to leave right now!'
'But what about the bill?' I asked.
'It's on the house. Get the fuck out of here right now!!!'

We both stormed out of the restaurant. She went left, I went right. She flipped me off as I shouted back, 'Go back to the park so that you can watch more dogs take shits!!!'

To this day, I have never seen, 'The Notebook' & I don't plan on ever seeing it. What type sick person releases this propaganda tool that heaps undue pressure onto poor, unsuspecting bastards much like myself who are just trying to have a good time & maybe try to have an adult relationship or just get laid???

Devil may care. Indeed!