'If loving pizza & boobies is wrong then I don't ever want to be right!' That's the 1st thought that sprang into my groggy brain as I wiped the sleep out of my eyes. 'What the fuck is wrong with me & why did I say pizza before boobies???' I stumbled over to the toilet & precariously angled the old 'morning-wood' into the toilet bowl to start my day. From there, I bounced around my abrstract bachelor pad on 'auto pilot' making my egg-white omelette & coffee. There's something that I was supposed to do this morning & I can't remember what it is? I glanced over to my clock & realized, 'Oh shit I have a telephone interview for a job that I actually want in 5 minutes!!!! I dashed into my bedroom & fumbled for my phone. I finally found it in my sock drawer. Why the fuck was my phone in the sock drawer??? I have got to stop drinking on Tuesday nights! I turned on my phone & it instantly began to ring. Sure enough it's my phone interview. As I'm discussing my qualifications & just what exactly hiring my sorry ass could bring to the party, I glance out my living room window & notice a meter maid placing a ticket under my windshield wiper. I'm not in a red zone & my registration is current. Ugh! Why the fuck is this happening right now??? I asked the interviewer if I could put them on hold for a moment. I opened my door with the full intent of reading this civil servant the riot act when I felt a chill & realized that I was naked! Oh shit! I quickly slammed the door & ran back inside(That's right I was doing a telephone interview naked. Deal with it people!). I was so hungover that I literally forgot to put clothes on while I was shuffling aroung in 'auto-pilot mode' so I just finished the interview commando. I then threw on some clothing & rushed out to view the ticket. With my blood starting to boil, I began to review the ticket & looked up @ the street sign beside my car. 'No parking 1st Wednesday of the month from 9am-11am for street sweeping.' Son of a bitch! Today is the 1st Wednesday of the month & it's 10:30am. Well that's $40 that I'll never get back!
Still steaming from the ticket & the serious anatomy lesson that was almost dropped on an unsuspecting meter-maid, I headed out to my local super-market for some supplies(Egg-whites & toilet paper. God I live such an exciting life!!!). The super-market can be quite an awful experience in the afternoon. The reason is the senior citizens. Yes folks the meek have inherited the earth from between 10am-4pm. They use shopping carts for a single can of kidney beans. They clog up the checkout line bartering with their clipped coupons from the Pennysaver demanding pricechecks because their Depends adult diapers were supposed to be on sale. The list of grocery sins are just too many to post. It was 11:30am as I cautiously crept into the super-market. Sure enough the seniors were there! I picked up my tp & egg-whites & should have gotten the hell out of there, but no, I had a sudden craving for some macaroni salad. I stepped into line behind a gentleman who looked like Mr.Belvedere with a grayish-white mullet & a Christmas cardigan sweater that resembled a rorschach test with reindeer(I'm not even exaggerating here!). I silently thought to myself that he might drive around on a short-bus, but horrible fashion sense aside, he was the only person ahead of me in line, nothing can go wrong riiiight??!? Oh boy! He was in the process of sampling every single type of salad on display, snidely inquiring whether or not the ceaser salad was made from scratch & was I mass-processed & shipped in containers? Who the fuck in their right state of mind asks questions like these??? I silently began wishing painful cancer of the penis on this person. In-between Mr. Belvedere & I was an empty shopping cart which just fueled my hatred of this man. This went on for a good 5 minutes until I was finally @ my breaking point. 'Excuse me, is this your shopping cart?' Mr. Belvedere turned to me, cocked an eyebrow & said, 'Well you know sonny-boy, I don't own the cart per-se. I do believe that it belongs to the super-market!' I gave him the most vicious face-melting stare that I could muster & said, 'You know a simple yes or no would have sufficed.' To this, Mr.Belvedere replied, 'What's wrong? Don't you have a sense of humor?' 'There's a fine line between funny & asshole & you just did a leap-frog over to the asshole-side!' Befuddled, Mr.Belvedere spouts, 'Did you just call me an asshole?' Yes I did & I'd also like to ask you if you're color-blind because It looks like you've puked bloody reindeer all over that sweater!' 'You know what? I'm not even going to argue that statement.' 'Good. At least we both agree on something!"
Finally I get my macaroni salad & quietly wonder if it was woth that conversation that clearly feels like it took years off of my life! While @ the checkout, the cashier looks up @ me & starts to giggle. 'That was sooo funny when you called that guy out back there! I totally though that you were gonna punch him.' Nah, I just bark nowadays. No bite.' As I was speaking to the cashier, I noticed that Mr. Belvedere was shoveling salad down his greedy gullet barely leaving time to breathe. He then started to hurredly move towards the exit. I looked @ the casher & said,'Hey did Mr. Belvedere pay for his salad?' 'No he didn't.' Well you'd better grab him because he's trying to pull a 'super-market dine & dash!' As Mr. Belvedere was led back into the super-market I walked past him, flipped the bird & laughed. In the span of just 3 hrs I had managed to have a naked telephone interview. Get a parking ticket. Piss off the elderly & stop a petty crime. What the hell is going to happen to me this afternoon?
Oh yeah, I had to add in that picture of Adam Sandler with the masturbation quote. That's one of the 1st pictures that popped up when I searched 'Mr.Belvedere.' I just couldn't stop laughing at it!!!
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