My Backyard Sucks.

I am alot of things(Son, uncle, friend, salesman, gentleman,bullshit-artist, narcisist, asshole, Biff just to name a few!), but the one label that I am most proud of is surfer. I am a surfer. No matter what I accomplish or become in life, I will be a surfer first & foremost. Now the first question that you're probably thinking to ask right now is, 'Just how in the fuck does a guy from Pittsburgh become a surfer?' Well my dear reader I will expound in great detail for you...

There are two notable instances of happenstance that profoundly affected & would help mold the man that I grew into. The first was a family vacation when I was 11 or 12 to Ocean City, Maryland. Ever since I could remember, I have been equally fascinated & drawn to the ocean. It's almost as if Might King Neptune himself shoved a magnet up my ass & involuntarily pulled me toward my salt water destiny. Anyhoo, the Maloy clan arrived in Ocean City & I came across a surboard rental hut. I begged & pleaded with my parents to rent me a surboard. Eventually, they conceded & I was lugging an oversized plank of a board to the ocean. Never having any formal lessons, experience & just not having a fucking clue what I was doing, I entered the ocean blue & paddled out towards some waves. A small wave broke on my head & I was flurled end over end backwards. The force of the wave had propelled my board through the air & found a resting spot on the top of my head! I was knocked for a bit of a loop, but I was undeterred & sloshed around the inside breakers with a big shit-eating-grin on my face. At the end of the day, I returned my rented surfboard & thought to myself, 'We will meet again.' This was my first taste of a stoke. The Webters Dictionary defines stoke as, 'Exhilarated or excited. Being or feeling high, intoxicated.' I look at it as the day some sense was knocked into me & a piece of my life'S puzzle dropped aquarely onto my lap! The second event was a late night a few years later in m parents living room. While trying to find some naked women on Cinemax(My parents had cable & I took full advantage of it!) I came upon a movie that was about a couple of surfers that were planning a trip across the globe chasing waves as the seasons changed. This movie was the legendary Bruce Brown directed, 'The Endless Summer(If you haven't seen this movie. You are a lesser person for it. You must purchase this movie immediately!).' For a few hours my teenaged lusting of naked breasts(And the other parts too!) was put aside & I fixated on the images of surfing & exposition. There was no surfing or ocean of any kind in Southwestern Pennsylvania & it was the middle of yet another very cold, snow-drenched winter. But I felt like Bruce Brown was speaking directly to me when he discussed the freedom of surfing & quite literally getting 'lost in the waves.' Something snapped inside me that night & I remembered that day in Ocean City with the rented surfboard. 'We will meet again.' That night I made a promise to myself that I would move to the beach when I was old enough & would truly become a surfer.

I kept my promise & have been surfing now for 16 years. That's damn near half of my life! My backyard is the Pacific Ocean & I have logged literally thousands of hours in her. Nothing compares to catching a wave. No drug or orgasm has ever given me that pure feeling of euphoria like riding a wave does. It's kind of like when you're driving in your car on a beautiful sunny day and the windows are down with your cupped hand streched out cutting through the wind. It feels like that, except all over your entire body. This doesn't even cover the unique bond that each surfer has with the ocean. This bond is the closest I will ever be to nature. It's just such a fulfilling feeling being one with the ocean as you ride waves that quote possibly started as a ripple in Japan or Hawaii. To be in the ocean is to be connected with nature. The ocean can give you life but also take it. She can be you best friend & other days be one hell of a bitch(I say 'she' because the ocean is a woman. If you don't think so, you're just wrong & probably live in Idaho or some other land-locked state. Sucks to be you!). But she's always been there for me when I needed her. I've had my share of low/dark times. Hell there's been a few times when all I really had was my surfboard! Each of these times I paddled out into the ocean & started catching waves. Figuring things out. Clearing my head. In a few hours time once I was back on the beach, I'd usually wonder, 'Just what exactly was I so upset about again?' I'm a firm beliver that surfing can save your life. Save your soul. Just be open & giver her a shot. You won't be disappointed & it will change your life. She changed mine.