Fred Durst was right!

I've liked women ever since I could remember. My mother has notes from teachers explaining how, 'Young Timothy is entirely too interested in the young ladies in his class.' This was the third or fourth grade! Anyways, this healthy obsession of the fairer sex has led me to... let's just call them challenging quandaries.

Any guy that's ever been in a relationship with a woman has agreed or volunteered to do something that, if they weren't sleeping with or trying to sleep with said female, would never even consider doing. These requests can vary from the mundane, such as chick-flicks, watcing American Idol, landscaping(I actually did that for a girl once!) to complete bat-shit crazy, such as, 'Can you pick up my foreign friend in Mexico & drive him across the border? He lost his Passport & has a big bag of Ecstacy(A girl I dated for like a week fucking asked me to do that! Obviously I said no & we broke up shortly thereafter.). The problem is we as the male species, sometimes are very simple & revert back to our most base, feral instincts as hunter/gatherers(Eating, sleeping, & fucking-Amen!) & if the 'booty' is good, we'll usually fall right in line & say ok! As that sage prophet Fred Durst of Limp Bizkit so eloquently stated in his mid-nineties opus, 'I did it all for the nookie!!!' Indeed! Good 'booty', hell even just alright 'booty' will make a guy do some pretty strange shit.

Case in point, a few years back, I was dating a Korean woman named Chi. Chi means spirit & let me tell you she had it in spades! Chi was equal parts beautiful & blunt. She had this gift of 'blankness' where she would look deep into your eyes, monotonically call you a fucking asshole & make you believe that it was a compliment. She ran a spa that specialized in facials, manicures, massages & also laser-hair removal, which is where my stupid, horny ass comes into the equation. We had been dating for a couple of weeks & she had just purchased the latest state-of-the-art laser hair removal gun & hired a new nurse that she wanted to get some experience playing with said tool. Using her gift of 'blankness' she sweet-talked me into being the guinea-pig of this operation. Laser hair removal, as defined in the Wikipedia is as follows,

'The primary principle behind laser hair removal is selective photothermolysis (SPTL). Lasers can cause localized damage by selectively heating dark target matter, (melanin), in the area that causes hair growth, (the follicle), while not heating the rest of the skin. Light is absorbed by dark objects, so laser energy can be absorbed by dark material in the skin (but with much more speed and intensity).'

What they forgot to mention is that if not administered properly, it fucking hurts! But I digress, Since the 'booty' was good, & being a good guy(A.K.A. Thinking with my dick!), I reluctantly agreed. Since I did frequently shave my chest(I don't anymore.), I figured , 'what the hell, It'll save me some time in the shower right???' So I enter Chi's spa not entirely sure what to expect. I'm instructed to take my shirt off & lay down on a table.

'Does this stuff cause cancer?' I asked, 'Quit being such a fucking pussy Beef! Everything causes cancer. This air that you're breathing will probably give you cancer. Who gives a fuck(This is how she pronounced my name. It sounds much cuter than when it's typed, trust me!)!' 'Fine. Whatever! Just fucking zap me then, I'm here aren't I??? Do your worst!'

She threw me a sly smile & called in the new nurse. She looked like she was pushing 60 & not happy to be there. She picked up the laser gun & asked Chi how to point it.

'Wait a minute. Shouldn't she already know how to point that thing???' 'Shut the fuck up Beef!' 'Ok, sorry, fuck!'

So cranky-nurse begings zapping the hair follicles on my chest & abdomen. The first round wasn't so bad, but she didn't apply enough pressure, so taskmaster Chi insisted on a round two. This is when the pain started, but I kept my mouth shut until she finished.

'Why does it smell like bacon in here?' 'Stop being a fucking pussy Beef, that's your skin. It's just irritated, but that smell will go away.' 'Well that's just lovely. Are we hanging out tonight?' 'No, not until you heal & stop smelling like fucking bacon!' 'Gee thanks!'

Nonchalantly, she gave me some antibacterial ointment & sent my on my merry, bacon-smelling, way.

I went out downtown that night, got a wee-bit drunk & passed out accordingly. I woke up in the morning with the strangest sensation emanating from my chest & abdomen. It felt like a horrible case of poison ivy! I stumbled over to the bathroom mirror & let out a scream. My chest & abdomen were chunky, swollen & red. It looked like I had C-Cups filled with lumpy oatmeal! I grabbed my phone & called Chi.

'Hello?' 'Chi, what the fuck did you do to me!!!' 'Calm down down & tell me what happened?' 'My chest & abdomen are swollen like cottage-cheese& it looks like I have fucking man boobs! This is not a good look for me' 'Oh shit. That's fucking infected Beef!' 'No shit Chi! What should I do???' 'Keep using that bacterial ointment that I gave you. Oh yeah, you probably shouldn't drink, workout or surf until the swelling subsides.' 'Dammit Chi that's pretty much all that I do!' 'Well read a fucking book or something then because you can't do shit until you heal! Don't worry baby, I'll take care of you!' 'Ok cool, do you want to hang out tonight?' 'No way! Not until you heal cuz that shit's gross!'

Chi wanted me to do two more sessions for the procedure to take permanent affect, but I declined. We dated for the rest of the summer & then broke up when she started nursing school. Sigh.... The things that we do for love, or in my case, 'I did it all for the nookie!