Marine Psychology

Strange things can happen if you log enough time in the ocean. You're just so emboldened when you're catching wave after wave that this imaginary protective bubble seems to have encased you & your friends. It's not a bad way to spend a Saturday afternoon! Weird shit abounds my life on a regular basis on good old terra ferma, so why shouldn't it happen in the Pacific Ocean as well right???

For starters, my friends & I tend to get a little loopy at times after being in the ocean for a few hours. Think of it as a nitrogen narcosis of the brain, just without the nitrogen or lack of oxygen. Case in point; When I was in Philadelphia back in 2001, I spent most weekends down at Long Beach Island on the Jersey Shore surfing with my select crew of friends who lived in Philadelphia that actually surfed(They weren't too hard to find. There was actually a support group, Land-Locked Anonymous' where I found them. Just kidding!). We would be just hung-over, dehydrated & generally loopy & stupid shit would just start flowing out of our pores much like the alcohol when we perspired. One particular Saturday my friend Jeremy was in rare form. Let me restate that, he's always in rare form. He's a walking-talking 'Id.' There just isn't a filter when it comes to Jeremy & whatever pops into his brain, no matter how vulgar or profane, would just come spilling out of his mouth & he would smile like a toddler that just shit himself & was proud that he made a doody! One time in college when he was visiting campus, he spent 3 hours walking around to girls saying, 'Chicken or beef?' until one girl finally took him home with her(One time he just walked around saying that he'd suck Ozzy Osbourne's cock just to see how people would react!). He's a great guy to go out with as well obviously. He's pretty much drinks & a show wrapped up in a tight bow of good old-fashioned crazy. Just wind him up & let him run amuck! Anyhoo, we were out surfing & there were 10-15 minute lulls in-between sets & Jeremy started to sing,

'Turn around...'

And I responded, 'Every now & the I get a little bit lonely & you're never coming around...'

And Jeremy, 'Turn around...'

And I, 'Every now & then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears..'

'Turn Around....'

'Every now & then I get a little bit terrified & I see the look in your eyes...'

Then all of a sudden, a big burly dude with a beard behind us bellows,

'TURN AROUND BRIGHT EYES...!!!'

Jeremy & I looked at each other & then turned to burly, bearded dude & together we sang,

'Every now & the I fall apart! And I need you now tonight! And I need you more than ever! And if you only hold me tight, we'll be holding on forever!'

You can only imagine the looks of disgust & horror as the rest of the surfers in the lineup furiously paddled away from the trio of grown men belting out Bonnie Tyler's power Ballad, 'Total Eclipse of the Heart' at the top of our lungs. It was one of the single most emasculating experiences that I've participated in & it was fucking hilarious!

You can cause strange events to happen in the ocean with yor idiot, degenerate friends & other times fate shines it's unforgiving high beams directly into your face & much like a deer caught in headlights, you have to just stand still & pray that car doesn't hit you & swerves. A few years back I was out playing in my backyard, A.K.A. the Pacific Ocean, & found myself surfing in an extremely uncrowded lineup. It was myself & a Hawaiian dude that I regularly see out at my main break where I typically surf. Now it's always safer to surf in a group, but occaisionally you will be out there by your lonesome because you need to get your wave quota for that week. This was one of those solo seesion days. The first hour or so was fine, even schools of dolphins were making their way North around me. This is a normal occurance. I see dolphins practically every time that I surf. At times they do come close to you, but on this fateful day they made contact with me literally! I had just caught a wave & was paddling back out into thelineup when 8 or 9 dolphins started precariously circling me clockwise. I just sat on my board dumbfounded at the sight. 'What the fuck are they doing???' I said to myself as they slowly closed the circle. Closer. Closer. Closer. Now they were walled up completely around my surfboard & BUMP, they made contact! 2 of the dolphins were literally against my legs!!! Their skin felt like wet sandpaper against my exposed flesh. I was pretty much shitting my pants at this point & my defense mechanism conisted of me stroking the dolphins on either side of me like lapdogs & I started saying, 'Good boys! Good boys! I'm your friend! I'm one of the good guys! One of them had a scar above his eye that looked like he'd been in a fight & he was calmly, calculatingly staring right into my eyes. It almost seemed like they were herding me away from something. This spectacle lasted probably for only 10 minutes, but it seemed like an eternity for me. I have never been so simultaneously excited & scared at the same time. Then as quickly as my 'Aquaman' experience began, it ended. They dispersed out into the deep blue sea & I sat there in shock. The Hawaian dude just south of me yelled out, 'brah, what da fuck was that! You got dolphin catnip or something?' I yelled back, 'Your guess is as good as mine. I don't have a fucking clue???' I caught a wave in & sat on the beach for an hour just staring out into the sea wondering, 'Why did you do that to me my dolphin friends?'

When I got home that afternoon, I did a little research online & found out that there have been instances where dolphins have encircled & herded humans who are close to their babies or are around sharks. My blood ran cold. Could it be? Were those dolphins protecting me from becoming a Happy Meal for a shark??? I know other times that I've been in the ocean & someone thought they 'saw' a shark that we'd always pull our surboards together so that from underneath the water we'd seem larger than we actually were. That way the shark would view us as a threat & move on(I've seen countless hours of Shark' Week' on the Discovery Channel that validates this theory.).

Did this experience deter me from surfing. Hell no! I went surfing at the exact same spot the next day. Technically, you have a better chance of being struck by lightning than being attacked by a shark. I refuse to live my life in fear & deny myself the pleasure of surfing. That's just not living & besides how the hell else can I sing(Badly!) power ballads from 80's pop divas???