For New Year's Eve this year I decided to be alone. Don't get me wrong, I had some party invites(I'm not a complete social misfit!) & my buddy Tony really wanted me to go on a bender & get thrown out of The Silver Fox with him, but I really need a night to sit back, take a deep breath & reflect on 2009 by myself. Listening to The Clash-'Live at Shea Stadium' & stripping old surfwax off of my surfboard while gingerly downing a bottle of Chimay(Very high alcohol content. It will get you where you want to go!) was how my evening began.
God 2009 really fucking sucked. I know it's cliche to bash the old year on New Years, but I truly had a love/hate relationship with 2009. As much as I hated it, I needed it to happen. I hot rock-bottom on 10/13/09. Here's verbatim my update on Facebook: 'Let's play a little game called, 'Does your life suck more than mine?' Break up w/fiancee-CHECK, Lose your job-CHECK, top that off w/a sinus & ear infection-CHECK! How has your month been?????????????' Ugh...I just cringed re-typng that. This triple-whammy caught me at a point in my life where I needed to grow the fuck up & be a man. I hated my job. Lost track of friends & funneled all of my energy into helping the ex-fiancee move out to San Diego, not realizing that she was just using me to get here 'to find herself(What a load of horse-shit!).' I was coasting through my life. I literally felt like I didn't have a soul for a while there. But I clawed my way out of the rut & started rebuilding my life one day at a time. Much like my surfboard stripped clean of the salty, dirty wax, I was a clean slate. I can fill said slate with anything that I want, love, hate, indifference(Hopefully more of #1 & #3!).
Halfway through my bottle of Chimay, I've moved on to watch a movie(Music & movies are very important to me.). I've chosen Evil Dead 2(Because you know there were so many unasnwered questions from Evil Dead 1!). Why Evil Dead 2 do you ask? It's quote simple. I've loved this movie since I discovered it in high school. It's essentially rehashing the original, but with more of a budget & the 'What The Fuck' factor amplified to 11! This movie established Bruce Campbell as a god in my world(He plays the main character Ash. He literally beats the shit out of himself with his possesed hand which he has to cut off with a chainsaw. He then fastens said chainsaw to his handless stump & commences to kick all sorts of holy ass! If you like Bruce Campbell, you should check out his book, 'If Chins Could Kill: Confessions of a B Movie Actor.' You won't be disappointed. Besides, us guys with big heads & distinguished jaw-lines need to stick together!). I also, used this movie to gauge how 'cool' my high-school girlfriends were. I guess what really stands out for me about this movie is that no matter how bad of a day I'm having, Ash is always having a worse one!
So I've killed my bottle of Chimay & with a bit of a 'buzz-on' I am now listening to Nine Inch Nails, 'Pretty Hate Machine' & I'm going to fill you in on what I'm thankful for in my world through my lovely personal filter(These are in no particular order so #1 might not really be #1. Just humor me & roll with it ok!?):
1.) Thank God for Punk-Rock & Surfing!: I'm serious here. Like I had mentioned before, music & movies are very important to me, but surfing is like breathing! My music is the soundtrack to my life. Fugazi, Ministry, Skinny Puppy, Nine Inch Nails, The Clash, Metallica, Black Sabbath, Nirvana, Beastie Boys, just to name a collect few. I can place & relate a song to any aspect, moment or emotion that I've had in my life. I also sincerely believe that I would go into convulsions & die if moved too far inland from the ocean(See my previous blog post entitled, 'My backyard sucks' for more deets!).
2.) Macksim: On December 20th, my little sister & her husband had a beautiful baby boy named Macksim. I get to be the cool uncle in San Diego now! So the pressure's off for me to have a kid now riiiight Mom(Somehow I doubt it. She has these insane maternal powers of guilt!)? Welcome Macksim. This world is a better place because you're in it pal!
3.) I'm alot stronger than I thought I was: When my shit-storm of a life came crashing down on me, I thought that I was just going to crawl under a rock in the fetal position & die. But that didn't happen. At first I was angry, then that anger turned into motivation(Maybe Rage Against the Machine was onto something when they said, 'Anger is a gift!). That motivation got my creative juices flowing again after an extremely long drought. This instilled a new confidence in me as an individual & really helped me to become comfortable in my own skin again.
4.) My friends are great: I cherish & am loyal to every friend that I have(Sometimes to a fault!). It's always interesting to find out who steps up when you go through something in your life that is tragic/traumatic. I'm happy to say that my friends came through for me in spades! They gave me the initial space that I needed, but were there for me when I eventually reached out & wanted to talk or just hang out & have a beer or give me the proverbial kick in the ass. I salute you all & will be there for you when you need me.
5.) Write on!: It's strange how we as humans, somethimes can only learn through pain & an interesting side-effect of working though my pain was writing. I used to write short stories all the time when I was younger & as I got older, I just kind of put it up on a shelf & forgot. After the breakup, it felt like I had this other-worldly force pushing down on me forcing me to write. This proverbial monkey on my back was shouting, 'You have a voice & people need to hear it! You must write again!!!' Well I listened to my monkey & started this lovely blog that you're reading right now(I've also started writing short-stories again, but I'm not quote ready to share those yet!). Writing for me is very therapeutic & it sure beats the shit out of slamming my head against the wall reapeatedly. I've gotten alot of positive feedback about my blog & I promise that I'll keep it honest & real & will continue to entertain &/or piss you off for many years to come!
6.) I'm no longer unemployed: You heard that right. I did find another job about 3.5 weeks ago. It's going well so far, but I learned a very valuable lesson from being jobless multiple times this past year, I will no longer stay complacent. I just can't. You must always keep your eyes open for new opportunities(I'm still looking into many other fields that I feel will be more satisfying for me in the long run.). Don't ever let your life become stagnant & stale. Strive to be a better human being & find something to do that makes you happy! The name of my blog will not change though. There's still plenty of areas in my life where I'm still unemployed!
7.) I wear my heart on my sleeve & I'm fucking proud of it! The utter failure of my engagement in October hasn't fettered my resolve. I'm a sensitive, emotional, articulate guy. Good or bad, I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I put myself out there & I got smacked. Did I love her? Abso-fucking-lutely. Was I crushed when it didn't work out? Oh hell yes! Would I put my self out there & do it all over again with somebody new? Yes indeedy! I feel like I'm ready to start dating again & wouldn't mind finding a new relationship this year(God help this poor woman!). Who knows maybe I'm destined to just have 'shared-moments' with women for finite periods in my life. Maybe I'll find a woman who really 'gets' me(It's always nice to bet 'gotten.' It makes me full of 'smit!'). I will put myself out there again & see who comes calling...
I'm now on my second bottle of Chimay(I am going to feel this tomorrow!) & am listening to The Ramones('Beat on the Brat with a Baseball Bat' indeed!). I'll leave you with this parting nugget about the the biggest wave that I've ever surfed back in the winter of '97(15 plus feet!). Deep in the heart of Costa Rica, my crew & I rolled up to Jaco hearing what we thought was the sound of thunder. It was actually the sound of waves crashing down. This was really heavy & dangerous. We all had been back at college for 3 months binge-drinking & basically falling out of surfing shape. This was the biggest surf that any of us had ever seen. We were scared shitless, but suited up & paddled out anyway. We barely made it over a couple of close out sets & after paddling for what seemed like an hour, we finally made it out into the lineup. I pulled out of the first 2 waves that I went for becaue I was literally was afraid for my life at that point. If I made a mistake out here, I could die. I finally mustered up enough courage & looked to the horizon. A giant set wave was rolling in & was coming right for me. A surge of adrenaline shot through me like a lightning bolt & I let out a primal scream at the wave, 'COME ON YOU MOTHER-FUCKER! YOU'RE MINE!!!!!!' I started padding with all of my might. There was no turning back now. Sink or swim. It's time to earn your wings bitch! I felt this humongous wave catch me & I was alomst in a free fall, but I was standing & still connected to my board. I made it down the face & bottom-turned with all of my might & it felt like I was being shot out of a cannon. I had made it to the bottom & now I had to use the speed to get myself further down the face of the wave so I wouldn't get creamed. After cruising on this wave for what seemed like an eternity, I finally popped out of the otherside beating my chest & screaming like a banshee. I had made it! This wave & the memory of it carries me to this day. I took a chance & was rewarded handsomely. Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity. I challenge all of you to do something, anything in 2010. Just go for it. If you fail. Who fucking cares! At least you tried & you can try as many times as you'd like or move on to something else. Just do something. I'm almost done with my second bottle of Chimay & will most-certainly have a hangover tomorrow(ARGH!), so here's my parting shot. My 2 token New Year's Resolutions:
1.) Lose 10 pounds.
2.) Quit swearing so fucking much!
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