'Are you a ninja?'

'Are you a ninja?' This was the question asked when I was introduced to a girl at my Friend Adam's going away party this past Saturday night(He's moving back to Philly in the middle of winter..Why??? Don't leave buddy!). Naturally my response was, 'Yes I am. I'm a member of the Cobra Kai Clan. Sweep the leg! Sweep the leg!' Her expression of utter blankness revealed that she was sincere with her question & that 'Karate Kid' reference flew right over her head( Damn I really showed my age with that one!). 'Oh shit were you serious.' 'Yes. I met some guys last weekend that were actual ninjas & you look like one of them.' I was morbidly fascinated because this is probably collectively the first & last time anybody will seriously ask me that question.

'Odd Question Girl' reminded me of my first month in San Diego when I had my 'Swingers' moment('Swingers' was the cult clasisc that Jon Favreau & Vince Vaughn starred in that was quoted ad nauseam & gave a new meaning to the term 'Money.' If you don't own it, buy it. What's wrong with you??!). It was late in the Summer of '98 & I was @ a houseparty, trying my best to be post-sober, looking for Mrs. Right-Now. I walked up to a Southern-California uber cute girl who was in line waiting for her turn @ the keg(For some reason girls like to hang out by the keg & the bathroom @ these functions. Why is that??? Hmmm!). I rolled up all full of piss & vinegar & said , 'Hi my name's Biff. What's your's?' With a look of utter disdain, she prudently eyed me up & down like a piece of meat & the replied, 'What do you drive?' I said, 'A Cavalier.' She turned around & walked away from me. S she left, I yelled out, 'It's silver!' Sigh....(That exact scenario played out in 'Swingers' only Favreaus's character said, 'It's red!'). Back to the future & the current party was in full swing. One of Adam's wife's friends proclaimed me an, 'Interesting Motherfucker' after I told him about the time that I was kicked out of Canada for mouthing off to a mountie among other things(Don't worry, that calamity will be included in a future installment!). I also made a brief pit-stop @ a neighbor's house for a snack. Smores quesadillas sound fucking disgusting, but they really are quite tasty!

But like any good time, the party has to end sometime. The keg was kicked & there was nothing left to drink. It was approaching 3am(Dead-Time!) so I decided to begin the 15 minute walk back to my house(You've got to love local house parties!). The streets were dark & barren. Clearly there wasn't any other living souls out this time of night(Morning!) aside from myself, vampires & hookers(Or so I thought!). Nothing could happen if I take a few shortcuts down some dark alleyways riiight??? Halfway down the sketchy alley, I decided that I really had to take a piss(That's one of the advantages of being a guy, The world is your urinal!). I began relieving myself on the side of a building when I heard a woman say, 'Nice weiner!' This startled me & I began to anxiously look around for this female creature. 'Up here silly!' I look up & to the left & my drunken eyes became fixated on a naked brunette smoking a cigarrette leaning over a balcony(It would have been some serious serendipity if it was my, 'Hot Naked Girl' from the gym. See my previous post, 'Tales of 'Hot Naked Girl' but it wasn't her.). 'Do you want some company?' involuntarily shot our of my mouth while my basest male instincts kicked in to over-drive. 'Biff like naked girl!' was the only thought repeatedly looping through my drunken brain. 'Well my boyfriend passed out in my bed probably wouldn't like that.' I began to pick my jaw up off of the floor & said, 'Bummer oh well. You're quite the exhibitionist aren't you?' 'You could say that. Modesty isn't one of my strong points obviously! Besides I saw your penis while you were pissing, so it's only fair that I share.' 'Tit for tat(Huge pun intended!)' I surmised. 'I like that!' 'Well I guess that I should go home & pass out now. Thanks for making my night Hot-Naked Girl Smoking a Cigarrette On Balcony!' 'My name's Missy.' 'Ok. Good night Hot-Naked Missy!' That night I fell asleep with sweet images of a nude Missy dancing around in my head. Not a bad way to end the night right??? Flashforward to Monday & I'm @ work relaying my 'Hot-Naked Missy' story to the masses @ work(Normally I keep most of these stories to myself & the blogosphere nowadays, but it was just too strange not to share! It's hilarious when I'm with somebody who says, 'This can't end up in your fucking blog okay?'). One of my co-workers wanted to know which alleyway my voyeur shennanigans happened in. I told him & then jokingly asked if he was going to start walking down that alleyway @ 3am. 'No way dude! Saturday night just one alley down form you, two of my friends were held up @ gunpoint right around the time when you were getting your jollys.' WHAT????? Am I a lucky motherfucker or what??? Just one wrong turn & there's no 'Hot-Naked Missy' just a mugging! Once again a 'Hot-Naked Girl' keeps me on the righteous & proof-positive once again how my life can be like a fucking cartoon!