Being unemployed & all, you have to start setting up job interviews because well... you have to eat! You can only suckle off of the government teat for so long before your situation just becomes a bad 'After School Special' or worse a 'Lifetime Movie of the week' & you lose all inkling of self respect.
The interview per se, is a strange animal. Do you just tell your prospective interviewer what he/she wants to hear; spouting buzz-words like, 'people-person,' 'self-motivator' & 'closer' or are you honest about your career aspirations & motivations? Normally it's a little bit from Column A & a little bit from Column B. If you go on enough job interviews, you start feeling like an out-of-work actor, accepting frustration & disappointment as a daily occurance.
The other day, I had my first formal interview since I was shit-canned two weeks ago. I was initially hesitant about interviewing @ let's just call them Blankety-Blank Corporation, but showed up in my sharp $500 suit, red power tie & a fresh copy of my resume. I was greeted by Mr. CFO who walked me back to their conference room. On the way I tentatively scoped out the office floor to catch any sort of vibe from the co-workers. It wasn't good. The office was very cold & sterile like a hospital waiting room. You could literally cut the tension with a butter-knife, plus there was an older gentleman working in his little cube by the corner that looked like he was about to break down in tears. 'This is going to be interesting,' I thought to myself as the conference room door closed behind me with a loud clang much like a prison cell.
The interview started out cordially enough. It was kind of like a tennis match. Mr.CFO would discuss some nuggets about Blankety-Blank Corporation & I would counter with various bullet points about my work history & what I could bring to the party if hired. About midway through the interview, I came to the distinct realization that I didn't want to work for Blankety-Blank Corporation & that Mr. CFO was an asshole.
Things went south when Mr. CFO insisted on giving me a homework assignment. He wanted me to write an essay about how working @ Blankety-Blank Corpration would enrich my life & exactly why he should hire me(I'm not even making this shit up!). This is the part of the interview when I decided to have fun w/Mr CFO. He asked me if I had any hobbies. I said yes, taxidermy. 'Excuse me, did you just say taxidermy?' 'Yes Mr. CFO I did. Taxidermy is my life outside of work. I have such a passion for killing animals & stuffing & embalming them(I obviously don't!). Hell, I have a possum & a cat draining out in my garage as we speak!' 'Well Mr. Maloy that's very..interesting. What books have you read recently?' 'Let's see, I've read, 'The Art of War' by Sun Tzu & my favorite, 'The Anarchist's Cookbook' by William Powell(Ihave actually read both of these books.).' 'The second book actually showed me how to make a pipe bomb!' 'Ok Mr. Maloy thank you so much for your time. This has been...eye-opening.' 'Oh no, thank you Mr.CFO, I can drop off my essay to you personally tomorrow. What's your home address?' 'Oh no, no, no! A simple e-mail will be fine.'
I walked out of Blankety-Blank Corparation with a smirk on my face positive that I terrifed Mr. CFO & not feeling one ounce of regret. If you're going to waste my time @ least don't be a pompous asshole about it! I hopped into my car, thankful that I stowed my surfboard in the back. 'I need some waves,' I surmised to myself as I slammed the gas pedal down & headed to the beach...
"Hell, I have a possum & a cat draining out in my garage as we speak!" ... priceless. Although, you know Taxidermists don't "usually" kill the animals they stuff. That'd be like a dealer doing his own "wares".
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