If a woman tells you she is trouble, if she tells you that you want no part in her problems, if she swears that she has too much shit in her life to fall in love, you need to believe her. Because it is all true, every word of it. She is a woman so wrapped up in her own shit that she focuses like a laser beam on these problems making them the very essence of her personality. You will not save her. You cannot fix her. And she will be an absolute tempest of frustration and bitterness until she finds a way to get over her own shit. Words have never rang more true. A month out of my failed relationship & I can just now look @ Jen without the 'love googles' & make peace with this realization.
Our love story was very intense & troubled from the start. She was in D.C & I was in San Diego. The long distance courtship should have been a red flag from the start, but it really wasn't. We had casually known each other in college & frequented many of the same parties & had quite a few of the same friends & aquaintances. Hell, she briefly dated one of my roommates. We reconnected on Facebook & immediately hit it off. She told me that it was her dream to move to San Diego & immediately booked a flight out to see me. We talked every night for hours; texted each other during the day & e-mailed each other pictures. The distance forced us to have very deep, detail-oriented convesations because that's all we had.
I was so in love with this girl & felt that we were so much in love that I actually propposed to her over the phone before I even kissed her! They say when you know, you just know(Or so I thought! I'd like to find 'They' & smack them upside the head!). She said yes. I promptly cashed out my 401k & purchased an engagement ring(Pictured above.). She flew out on my birthday weekend & I gave her a proper proposal over @ La Jolla Shores right past the seal beach. For a brief moment in time, everything was right in my world. We talked about having children & a sunset wedding on the beach & started to make plans for her to move out to San Diego by October. That's when more red flags started to pop up about her ongoing financial issues as well as other extenuating past problems that she was still dealing with. These issues, although serious & frustrating, I thought @ the time were fixable & I figured that as soon as she made it out here to San Diego & we moved in together, we could work everything out.
Some of my friends told me that maybe we should slown down. Take my time & really get to know this girl. I was completely in love with this woman & wasn't about to take anybodys advice, sound or not, @ that time. For the 1st time in my life, I was fully invested in a relationship & cared for another person more than I did myself. We finally got her moved out here @ the beginning of October & within a span of 4 weeks, we broke up. I'd like to think that she didn't have her mind made up about us before she moved to San Diego, but I have my reservations. She didn't put any effort into making us work once she was here. Hell, I once dated a girl that clocked me square in the face(I didn't deserve it by the way!) & she @ least tried to make it work with me! I was angry with Jen for quite some time until I realized that she has just too many problems in her life to be in a relationship.
I also came to the realization that yes this was possibly the worst breakup of my life, but I actually had it in me to commit to somebody. I actually proposed & was prepared to spend the rest of my life with this woman. Normally I have problems just committing to weekend plans or even lunch! This was truly a revelation to me. I might have actually grown up a little bit here! During one of the last conversations that I had with Jen she exclaimed, 'I'm sorry, but I just don't believe that a man & a woman can fall in love after just a month.' Well I'm sorry Jen, but I 'need' to believe that two people can fall in love after a month or just fall in love period! If that's wrong then I just don't ever want to be right.
I was late running errands today & came home just as the sun started to set. I rushed down to the cliffside of the ocean & took in a beautiful orange & red-hued sunset. My thoughts turned towards my time with Jen & how she was like an extremely hot stove that I touched & was burned. I knew that the stove was going to burn me, but I had to touch it anyways. As the last portion of the sun disappeard under the horizon, I smiled & said to my self, 'You're going to be ok.'
'That girl is like a sunburn that I'd like to save.'-Third Eye Blind
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