Your child is not cute!

That's right your child is not cute, talented, brilliant or one of a kind! Your child is an annoying, ADHD, ritalin popping germ factory! Now before you all crucify me for being such an insensitive bastard(I do norally like kids.), let me take you back a few hours to justify this rant. I had just finished working out & decided to stop by my local Jamba Juice to pick up a protien shake. Upon my arrival I opened the door & was immediately head-butted in the crotch by a hyper little 4 year old child. I doubled over in pain, sucking wind while this lovely little bastard pointed & laughed @ me. I immedately looked around to see who this child belonged to. I found the parent & remarked to myself, 'Oh boy this guy is an asshole.' Now there are certain criteria that one should take into consideration when determining if a person is in fact a true asshole just @ face value; they include wearing a tank-top/wifebeater in a bar @ night; Wearing your Bluetooth headset in public; waering a trucker hats & just trying too hard in general. This lovely child's father was clearly in his late 40's with a bluetooth headset in his ear, wearing an Obama t-shirt, gray sweatpants & red Crocs. You heard that right, red-fucking-Crocs! So not only was this guy an asshole, but he was a fucking Croc wearing asshole!(Crocs are clearly a crime against humanity. Any adult wearing Crocs should be immediately hit in the head with a tack-hammer!) Being as civil as possible, I asked him if he could please hang up his phone & watch his child. Apparently he much too involved in his phone conversation to worry about his child or my crushed nuts. I took a deep breath & walked up to the cashier with my bruised manhood to place an order. Just as I started placing said order, the child(Let's just call him Damien from the Omen.) ran up & wedged himself between me & the counter & then began to throw pamphlets up in the air like confetti. That was my limit. I turned around & yelled, 'Hey buddy! Get off of your phone & come over here to get your kid!" This of course offended 'Daddy of the Year.' As he came marching over exclaiming with a nasally drawl, 'What's wrong bro? Are you afraid of kids? It's not like he has cooties or something?' During this time that I was listening to Daddy's witty repartee, Damien decides to turn around & sneeze into the crotch of my shorts. As Damien moved away from my now snotty shorts, I realized that there was a string of green goo stretching from his nose to the crotch of my shorts. Utterly repulsed, I looked @ my crotch, the kid, then the dad & said, 'You've heard of Swine Flu right?' I then looked asshole daddy right in the eyes & silently mouthed the words 'Fuck You!' I then took my bruised, snooty crotch home to send out more resumes.